i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
