My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
