i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
