Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
