someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize