she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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