this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
