when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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