And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
