new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
