sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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