I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
