Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
