I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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