Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
