I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
