Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
it was like having sex with a tree stump
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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