I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
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you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
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Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
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