My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
