Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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