She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's rum buckets o'clock
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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