chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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