are you still at the devil's house?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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