I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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