apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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