normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
