Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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