Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
