I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
