I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
