I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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