I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
