Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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