I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
