Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
