I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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