When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
