I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
