Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
