This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
