A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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