Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
