Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
