I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
