Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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