The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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