When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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