Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
