if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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