one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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