Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
