i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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