oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
