I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
