And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
