don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
