How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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