if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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